Movie Review: Ninja Vs. Ninja

Director: Nick Cheung
Starring: Kwan Cheung and Norman Chu
Writer: Unknown
Film Distribution: Unknown
Year: 1987



PLOT SUMMARY:

Plot...yeah if there ever was one, regardless I will do my best regarding this piece of trash. This movie has to got be the WORST movie ever made! I mean, I saw some really bad movies in my time, but...damn. This one really takes the cake. I mean even if I have seen a shitty movie or two, at least they had a plot you could AT LEAST understand. Ninja Vs Ninja is anything but a movie as there is a great deal of inconsistency with the plot, absolutely no character development, and such horrid special effects, music, acting, etc that just by the sheer act of watching the first five minutes is enough to tell anyone watching that this, for a lack of a better term, movie is a giant pile of crap.

I am seriously at a loss of words in what to write here as the sheer fact of even THINKING about this movie is enough to drain ones intelligence. So for the sake of creating a decent review, I am going to try the best I can in regards to explaining in depth as to why this movie is.

From what I could gather, this "movie" starts off by featuring a ninja training to the tune of some pathetic music. Then our Protagonist Ninja gets into a fight with another Ninja and then afterward, the two Ninjas talk about how the other uses his ninjitsu for money. (How else is he going to make a living? I mean if I were a Ninja, sure I'd want to make money doing it! Like charging a fee to protect someone or take out a badguy here and there.)

Then we fastforward to a family scene where the wife is always cooking, the husband never leaves home for anything, and their son is so annoying that it drive you up the wall! Actually, it turns out that the husband is a cop and he is after a gang of thugs who operate...get this...out of their rundown, apartment that has the bad guys as roommates!

As for the ninjas, we then watch a scene where a group of ninjas massacre an entire family! As for our Protagonist Ninja, he arrives too late to be of any use as he simply is a poor excuse for a hero! It seems that our protagonist has NO IDEA he is in a shitty movie. I mean its like some ass of a director edited together various movies and then give it a catchy title just to make the gullible viewing audience watch the damn thing!

Next, we focus on our villians just sitting around doing nothing. However, there is this one villian who, by putting on some red tape, gains the ability to become resistance to any form of cutting, slicing or stabbing. Uh...what does that have to do with the film? To make matters worse, we are then introduced to a villain who acts like a pathetic retard who has a porn fetish and goes on a rampage on a piece of paper because some girl the villian was watching in a movie or something was being teased.

Oh, as for our Hong Kong Cop Character, there is a scene with him at home AGAIN, however, this time, he takes his family out to the mall. However there is something amiss as our antagonistic ninjas have a plot to blow up................The Women's Room! Ugh! After the bomb goes off, the Hong Kong Cop's wife and son are injured in the explosion. In retaliation, the Cop goes after the villians, eventually going as far as to kill the villian who wears the idioctic red tape.
While the red tape may have worked on knives, it sure failed to withstand bullets.

Shortly later, the Cop's wife dies and he later learns his son will be blind from then on. As the Cop goes off to reflect on these terrible things, the Retarded Villian With A Porn Fetish returns and causes havoc on the hospital, taking the Cop's son as hostage. To make things even more moronic, is the fact that the Retarded Villian, and even I am at a loss over WHY, decides to put flowers in the child's hair and BLINDFOLDS him! Yeah! You read that part correctly, the Retard blindfolds someone who cannot see!! Talk about a self defeating purpose!! I mean, if you take a blind person hostage, what good does it serve you, or your hostage, if you blindfold them!? The
Cop then gets this idea as where he gets a nurse to pose as the Retarded Villian's "lover". When our stupid villain finds out he's been had, he goes crazy only to end his worthless existance by jumping out a window. I give credit to him for doing that as anyone would after finding out they were in such a pathetic movie like this.

In the last scenes we return to our ninjas, who for the most part appear sporadically in this movie, where we find our Protagonist Ninja looking through someone's underwear drawers! After finding what seems to be a tape, he runs out only to be ambushed by our main Antagonist Ninja one last time. In a cheesy ninja fight, our Protagonist Ninja beats the Antagonist Ninja so bad that all that remains of the villian is his ninja uniform! Victorious, the Protagonist Ninja runs off, Thus ending this god awful movie and leaving the audience to wonder what the hell just happened.

Now, as someone who values my eyesight, this movie made me very envious of the blind. I mean it is just painful to sit back and watch this garbage. A few minutes into it and you couldn't help but feel the urge to gouge out your eyeballs. This movie is just that horrid! I cannot help but wonder WHAT WERE THE PRODUCERS THINKING!!? Come to think of it, the sheer fact I remember this GARBAGE is enough to drive me crazy! Yet, I probably did everyone who reads this blog a favor by watching this trash so you wouldn't have to.

Had Ninja vs. Ninja been done right, and I mean done right, prehaps this COULD have been a movie worth watching, all it needed was a plot, somewhat believable characters and maybe consistancy, yet sadly it is not there or anywhere in this worthless garbage. Based on the the fact thefilmmakers ruined this piece of trash, I hold nothing but contempt for this pathethic excuse for a "movie". Based on other reviews I have read on IMDB, Amazon, and other websites, this piece of trash is just...beyond pathetic.


OVERALL SCORE: 1

What more needs to be said? Avoid this trash at all costs. However, if you are into shitty movies, for the sheer fact at laughing at their insanely idiocy, then this might be for you.